You stay in there until I say you can come out.

With that, I closed the door. I didn’t lock it since the lock is on the inside. Would I have locked it if it was on the outside? Perhaps, but maybe not because what would people think of me? Even if there aren’t any other people in the house but Pete and I. And of course, Grandma Julie.

And Shan.

Shan who woke up at 4.30am and had been waking up at 4.30am for the past week or so since it’s been getting light so early in the morning. It’s as though the universe thought I could use just one more thing to make it harder for me to get through the day. Just one more thing. Let’s see if she breaks.

I could hear her muffled cries. She was probably biting into her pillow, staining it with tears, angry at herself for crying, angry at me for imposing on her this stupid new rule that she had to stay in her room until the short hand on the clock pointed to seven. Angry that her dad was not awake to save her.

I ignored her torment, and shuffled to the bathroom. I looked at my tired bags. I imagined that they were filled with cotton that a strong wind my blow away. Instead, I turned the tap on and dabbed my face with the icy cold water. I should go back to sleep because it’s four goddamn thirty in the morning. Even the birds are still asleep. Pete was. His guttural mating call signals that I should at least go back to bed, see if I can’t persuade him to stop and do something about it.

Just as I climbed into bed, I hear a door open. It’s Grandma Julie. Mother-in-law Julie. What did she want at 4.30 in the AM? And then I hear another door open. Talking. What. The. Fuck?

I slid out of bed once again and shuffled to the door. I opened it, and like two lovers caught in the act, I saw my mother-in-law hugging Shan, who had indeed been crying. She looked at me with both disdain and guilt.

She’s awake already.

I know. I told her to go back to bed.

It’s okay. You can come downstairs with Grandma.

It’s 4.30, Julie.

Well, she can’t go back to sleep. We might as well have something to eat.

I seethed.

She had only eight hours…

She can’t go back to sleep. Come, sweetie.

Shan hesitated. Her look turned to confusion.

Come with me, I said.

I took her hand and led her to our bed. Pete, still making earthly sounds. Shan climbed in between and laid there.

Are you tired?

Yea.

I curled an arm around her head and stroked her hair.

Let’s see if we can sleep.

Okay.

Outside, a door closed.